Here Comes Good-Bye

Back in May, I thought I would be ok with being an empty nester.  

Adam hadn't lived at home for more than a few weeks at a time for 3 years.

Kerry was living in an apartment in Burlington and was staying there for the summer.

Annie was busy with all the activities that fill the lives of graduating Seniors in high school.

 We were practically empty-nesters already!

No sweat, right?

Then summer came.  Adam moved home for the summer.  Kerry visited often.  And Annie was home more to spend time with Adam and Kerry.

It was a nice summer, ending with our yearly vacation together in Lake George.

About a week ago,  Adam moved to an apartment in Burlington where he will live for the next year.

When he left that morning, my heart ached.

I let myself wallow for a while.

I felt like I was standing on the shore and the tide was coming in.

Just as the water steadily rises on the sand, I felt my emotions were also rising.

Every once in a while a wave would come and the tears would overflow.

But there were things to do. 

I needed to get Annie everything she needed for her first year of college.

Kerry came home for a week too.

At the end of this week, Kerry goes back to Vemont for her final year of college.

And one week from today we pack up Annie's things and bring her to Rochester.

There's no doubt in my mind THAT good-bye will very difficult for me.

Because then we come home.  

Just the two of us.

Alone in the house for the first time in 22 years.

Has it really been that long?

It seems like it all happened in the blink of an eye.

When the kids were little, we were told so often to enjoy our time with them because they grow up so fast.   Back then, even a day of caring for three young children could seem endless.  

Over 8000 days of those days have passed.

From now on. the majority of our time will be spent without our kids at home.

Just the two of us.

I feel very sad and happy at the same time.

I just need to get through next week's good-bye.

WWDD

You would think that when you're in your 50's you would have life figured out.  You'd think you could handle whatever life throws at you.

You'd think that you wouldn't long for the wisdom and strength and comfort of Daddy.

He's been gone now for 4 years, but he is ever present in my life.

Whenever anything needs fixing, I ask myself "What Would Daddy Do?"

Just having him in my life made me stand a little taller, feel a little braver, and sleep a little more soundly.

Sometimes I watch the slideshow that I made for his wake.  Depending on my mood, it can make me smile or it can make me cry.  But it always makes me feel closer to him.


I watched it today.  It made me cry.

The Color Purple

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.... People think pleasing God is all God care about.  But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back. 

 ~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982

 Some people find God in the beauty of the world around them.  

It brings peace to their souls.

Adam found the perfect spot on top of the boathouse this morning with his Bible and his journal.

He wasn't alone.   

There are way too few times like these in our days!

Endless Summer

I haven't written in a while.

It's summer.

You probably think I'm having so much fun and doing all kinds of summer activities that I don't have time to blog.

The truth is, I hate summer.  It's my least favorite season.

I truly detest hot, humid weather.  And this summer has been nothing but hot and humid.  And wet. And mosquitoey. Trapped inside the house without being able to open the windows.  A beautiful garden in my yard that I can only enjoy through my kitchen window.

I think I was actually getting into a funk for a while until I had a talk with myself and snapped myself out of it.

I didn't always feel this way. I used to love summer.  There were endless days of laying in the sun by the lake,  camping with my cousins, swimming, drive-in movies, tennis, naps in the afternoon after staying up until the wee hours of the morning engrossed in a good book, daydreaming, riding my bike everywhere...I remember one summer day when I sat and sketched a picture of my foot for hours and enjoyed every minute of it!

Yesterday I went to the beach with my daughter, Annie.  As I floated in the cool water of the ocean on a day that reached 100 degrees inland, I watched the little ones playing in the sand.  I watched the teens frolicking in the water. I watched the lovers kissing.

I was wearing a bikini I bought about ten years ago - the first time I have worn it in public since then.  My stomach's not flat anymore, but I didn't care.  It felt good.  I wasn't able to read my iPad in the sun, so I just lay there listening to other people's conversations, listening to the water rush against the shore, feeling the intense heat of the sun on my skin, feeling the cool breeze come along to cool it off.

When we left the beach later in the afternoon, I felt renewed.  Somehow it had brought me back in time to the summer days that I loved.  I left the beach with a burn on my back, a tan on my stomach and a much better attitude!

The heat wave will pass. I have vacation to look forward to.  Fall clothes are out already in the stores.  I'll get through it.

Because the best thing about summer is it brings in the fall!

Look Who's Twenty-One!

It's hard to believe.

My daughter, Kerry, turned 21 yesterday!

We went to Burlington to celebrate with her.  (Annie had to work so she couldn't be with us.)

Kerry chose to go to a restaurant in Winooski called "Our House".

When the waitress came to take our drink orders,   we told her it was Kerry's 21st birthday.  She carded Kerry when she ordered a raspberry margherita.

I think the waitress felt honored to deliver her first legal drink.

 When I saw Adam and Kerry toasting with alcoholic beverages, I couldn't help remember when they were both so excited to drink out of the "Chip" cups after going to see Beauty and the Beast on ice!

Then we got our amazing dinners!

Kerry got lobster mac...

Adam got lamb meatloaf with mashed potatoes...

I got chicken pot pie...

 and Vance got lobster risotto.

Kerry opened up the card we got for her - a cat that sings happy birthday.

And a gift with a similar theme!

When the waitress packed up the leftovers to take home, she wrote a very nice note on the box!

                    

A picture with mom and dad,

and with her big brother!

On our way out,  there was a sign that made us think of loved ones who aren't with us anymore...

Then we headed back to Kerry's apartment for a scrumptious chocolate mousse cake...

a birthday wish on her bathroom mirror from Kerry's friend, Sam...

and a kiss from her special man...

I'm sure she'll be celebrating again without mom and dad, but I'm happy

we could spend time with Kerry on her 21st birthday.  We love her so much 

and are so proud of the caring, compassionate person she is.

We love you, Berra!

ai·lur·o·phile /īˈlo͝orəˌfīl/

"In my opinion, cat owners are tolerant, uniquely willing to see past the flaws of others, nurturing and patient - largely because they have been taught these qualities by cats."

How true!  

And written by a true ailurophile!

In my family,  there are 2 true ailurophiles:  Kerry and me.  

Everyone else loves "certain" cats - cats that like to curl up in your lap, cats that are predictable, cats that follow the rules of the house.  It's easy to love cats like Momo and Tigger.   

Maddie, however, is a completely different story.  She's not easy for everyone to love. She is extremely independent and unpredictable.  When she decides to curl up in your lap, you feel honored because it doesn't happen very often.  When she's not terrorizing Momo, she's trying to terrorize other family members by jumping at their legs as they walk by or knocking things off the counter.

But Kerry and I love her just the same!  

Maddie is full-grown, but tiny - only 8 lbs.  That's fitting, because she looks and acts like a kitten. It somehow makes her easier to understand.  Kerry calls her "baby cat"  and her favorite thing to say is "Baby cat don't care"!  It's true.  Maddie does what she wants!

Recently, Maddie wasn't putting weight on one of her paws and needed to go to the vet.  Her paw was really swollen.

Maddie didn't understand why she had to ride in the crate - she usually just jumps into the car with the dogs and goes for a ride.  She must have known this was different.

But Maddie wasn't even afraid when we let her out of the crate in the exam room.

  And she just hung out on the scale for a while after being weighed...

Dr. Brown examined her and she was really good!  We were so proud!

 They took her into the back room to shave some of the fur off her paw and check it out, but they didn't find anything suspicious.  After a shot of antibiotics, she was good as new the next day.

Kerry and I had fun together that day at the vet's.  Maddie makes us laugh and we enjoy her so much!

In my opinion, cat owners are tolerant, uniquely willing to see past the flaws of others, nurturing and patient - largely because they have been taught these qualities by cats.

Kerry is working full-time this summer as a nursing assistant.  She is nurturing, patient, tolerant, and willing to see past the problems and flaws of her patients.

I can't help but believe being a cat lover has something to do with these good qualities she possesses. 

ailurophile = cat lover = Kerry

Turning the Page

These past few months have been like reading the end of good book.  One of those books with 1200 pages that you have invested so much time in.  One of those books where you come to know and love the characters so much that you feel they are real.  You've been through their highs and lows, laughed and cried with them, watched they grow and change. Then you get to the last page and you don't want to turn it just yet because you don't want it all to be over.

That's how I have been feeling about the past few months.  I knew I was coming to the end of a certain phase of parenthood.  

I watched Annie march in her last parade.

I watched as she played in her last Hartt Wind Ensemble.

I watched as she played her last solo in the EHS jazz band.

I watched as she passed her last baton in track.

And I watched as she walked off to her last prom.

With graduation just around the corner, I knew this phase of parenting was coming to an end.  I was coming to the end of a very long, emotional, consuming book.  I would turn the last page soon.

 But,

mixed among all of these "lasts" was a "first".

At her last high school band concert, Annie conducted for the first time.

She took her first of many bows to come in a new role.

That is in the next book of my life, however.

And I can't wait to read it!