The INs and OUTs of Innies and Outies (Part 3)

In the book, The Introvert Advantage,  Marti Olsen Laney explains the differences between introverts and extroverts. Her research is valuable because it helps us to understand each other and lifts the shame of being an introvert.

The strongest difference between innies and outies lies in their energy source.

Extroverts are energized by the external world - by activities, people, places, and things.  They are like solar panels.  Solar panels need the sun to recharge, just as extroverts refuel by being out and about with many people, activities, and stimulation.

Introverts draw energy from their internal world of ideas, emotions, and  impressions.  They are like a rechargeable battery.  They need to stop expending energy and rest in order to recharge.  A less stimulating environment restores their energy.

What's important to know is 

you cannot change what you are. 

Introversion/extroversion is hard-wired.
Their brains are different.
It cannot be changed.
But we can learn to work with it.

Extroverts like to experience a lot.
Introverts like to know a lot about what they experience.

Extroverts like breadth - lots of friends, experiences, knowing a little bit about everything.  Life is about collecting experiences.  At a party, an extrovert will flit around and catch highlights from each conversation, not wanting to miss out on anything.

Introverts like depth.  They will limit their experiences but feel each of them deeply.  They have fewer friends but more intimacy.  Their mind absorbs information, reflects on it, expands it, mulls it over.  At a party, an introvert does not enjoy idle chit-chat.  They are more content to be in a deep, meaningful conversation with one or two people.

Extroverts think and talk all at the same time. It's effortless to them.  In fact, things become clearer as they speak out loud.

Introverts, on the other hand, need time to think and don't speak with spontaneity unless it's a familiar subject.  They don't talk for talk's sake.  They need to formulate their thoughts before they speak.

There is actually a gene (D4DR gene), or the "novelty seeking gene" that has been studied extensively.  This gene affects the neurotransmitter dopamine, which controls excitement levels and motivation.

Those with a long D4DR genes are less sensitive to dopamine, therefore needing to experience more of life's thrills to produce higher levels of dopamine in order to feel happy.  They can't stand repetitive experiences or routine work. They can be impulsive and temperamental.  They are fast talkers and persuaders. They are willing to take risks to gain rewards.

Those with short D4DR genes are more sensitive to dopamine. They receive enough dopamine in quiet activities that they don't need as much "buzz" in their lives to feel happy.  They feel more discomfort than enjoyment from thrill seeking or risk taking.  Orderly and cautious, they enjoy the comfort of routine and the familiar.  The like to see the big picture before plunging ahead.  They focus well on long-term projects.  They are even tempered, good listeners, and loyal.

 ************************************************

Why do introverts feel like they are flawed?

Think about it.
Our culture values and rewards the qualities of extroverts.
We value action, speed, competition and drive.
Talkers are perceived as influential and become role models.
Introverts are outnumbered 3 to 1.
They feel pressure to "shape-up" and act like the rest of the world.

Take a look at the following definitions in the dictionary.
It is obvious that there is a negative stigma associated with
introverts.

Introvert:  a personality trait characterized by preoccupation
                 with the self, lack of sociability,
                 passiveness.  A brooder, egoist, narcissist, loner.

Extrovert:  marked by obtaining gratification from what
                   is outside the self, friendly, uninhibited.
                   Social, a man of action.

************************************************

Contrary to  popular belief, many public personalities
are introverts. 

Diane Sawyer
Abraham Lincoln
Michael Jordan
Bill Gates
Harrison Ford
Julia Roberts
Tom Hanks
JK Rowling
Steve Martin
Thomas Edison
Clint Eastwood

*****************************************

I could go on and on about this book.

It has changed the way I view myself.
I finally understand myself.
I finally know that I am not flawed.

This book is so valuable -

It's valuable to help parents understand their children.
It's valuable for teachers to undertand their students.
It's valuable for spouses to understand each other.
It's valuable for everyone to undertand each other.

Most of all, it gives introverts insight into their own selves.
It offers strategies on how to live in an extrovert world.

Pick up a copy.
You won't regret it!



          

Confessions of an Introvert (Part 2)

All of my life I have felt flawed.

I remember my grammar school days.  

I would get all "A"s on my report card,

but the comment would say:

Gayle needs to come out of her shell.

I didn't like being the center of attention.

I just wanted to blend in.

Most of my friends were like me.

Except one - Jeanne Morrissey.

She could talk to anyone.

She wasn't afraid to do anything.

Frankly, I could never understand why 

she wanted to be my friend.

I have always loved solitary activities.

Reading, puzzles, knitting, embroidery...

While I love spending time with my close friends,

I have never minded being alone.

I remember spending hours one summer day as a teenager

sitting on the grass in my back yard drawing my foot.

And having a marvelous time!

As a teen growing up in Burlington, Vermont,

I would ride my bike to the lake.

I would sit on the rocks and think, and dream.

In high school, I could probably count on one

hand the number of times I participated in a 

discussion.  

I would feel bad about myself.

Laying in bed at night I could come up with so many

things I could have contributed to the discussion.

I vowed to say them the next day.

I was prepared.

But the next day the teacher was on to another topic.

My focus in college was to change.  To better myself.

Nobody knew me.  I could become a different person.

I needed to fix my one big flaw!

Alcohol helped. 

After a few screwdrivers, heck, I could talk to anyone!

I didn't mind going out on dates.

I enjoyed one on one conversations.

In fact, one on one I am very likeable.

 

After college, I went on to get a job in computer programming.

I was very good at my job.

It required a lot of alone time, reading through

code to understand what the program was trying to

accomplish, writing code to make it do 

what you wanted it to do.

It was a great job for me.  

I met my husband at work.

He was one of those people who could talk to anyone.

 

I remember writing thank you notes after our wedding.

It would take me so long to write each card.

I would agonize over the perfect wording.

Vance would write 10 in the time I wrote one.

When reading something together, I was amazed at how fast

Vance could get through a page.  It took me twice as long.

My husband knows I have a hard time when I'm in a large 

group of people I don't know.  

I don't think he understands.

I think he feels like I don't try hard enough to be social.

It just comes so easy for him.

When I had children, I was determined that they would not 

have to live a life of shame like I did.  I felt that if my 

mother had just pushed me a little harder when I was young, 

I could have gotten over it and been more outgoing.   

Yet as I watched the pain in Adam's eyes when he told me 

he wanted to quit soccer in 4th grade,  I remembered how 

I felt as a child and knew that pushing was the 

wrong thing to do.

 

All my life I have felt I was lacking in social skills that
seemed to come naturally to the rest of the world.
I have pushed myself to be more like everyone else.
At times I feel I've made progress.
At other times I feel it's like trying to put a square peg
in a round hole.

But this book has made a difference.
I finally understand myself.
I finally understand others.
I'm not lacking or flawed.
There's a reason I am the way I am.
And I am not alone.

I'll tell you all about it in Part 3.

Innie or Outie? (Part1)

I'm reading a very enlightening book called
The Introvert Advantage - How to thrive in an extrovert world
by Marti Olsen Laney.

Before I tell you about the book, I'd like you to answer a
self-assessment so you can determine if you are an
introvert, an extrovert, or somewhere in between.

All you have to do is answer the questions (True or False)
and count the number of TRUE answers.

  1.  When I need to rest, I prefer to spend time alone or
       with one or two close people rather than a group.

  2.  When I work on projects, I like to have larger
      uninterrupted time periods rather than smaller chunks.

  3.  I sometime rehearse things before speaking, occasionally
      writing notes for myself.

  4.  In general, I like to listen more than I like to talk.

  5.  People sometimes think I'm quiet, aloof, or calm.

  6.  I like to share special occasions with just one person
     or a few close friends rather than have big celebrations.

  7.  I usually need to think before I respond or speak.

  8.  I tend to notice details many people don't see.

  9.  If two people have just had a fight, I feel the tension
       in the air.

10.  If I say I will do something, I almost always do it.

11.  I feel anxious if I have a deadline or pressure to
       finish a project.

12.  I can "zone out" if too much is going on.

13.  I like to watch an activity for a while before I decide
       to join in.

14.  I form lasting relationships.

15.  I don't like to interrupt others, and I don't like to be
       interrupted.

16.  When I take in lots of information, it takes me awhile
        to sort it out.

17.  I don't like overstimulating environments. I can't imagine
       why folks want to go to horror movies
       or ride roller coasters.

18.  I sometimes have strong reactions to smells, tastes,
       foods, weather, noises, etc.

19.  I am creative and/or imaginative.

20.  I feel drained after social situations, even when I
       enjoy myself.

21.  I prefer to be introduced rather than to introduce.

22.  I can become grouchy if I'm around people or activities
       too long.

23.  I often feel uncomfortable in new surroundings.

24.  I like people to come to my home, but I don't like them
       to stay too long.

25.  I often dread returning phone calls.

26.  I find my mind sometimes goes blank when I meet
       people or when I am asked to speak unexpectedly.


27.  I talk slowly or have gaps in my words, especially
       if I am tired or if I am trying to speak and think at once.

28.  I don't think of casual acquaintances as friends.

29.  I feel as if I can't show other people my work or ideas
       until they are fully formulated.


30.  Other people may surprise me by thinking I am smarted
        than I think I am.


Count the number of times you answered TRUE.


  20-29 True:  You are pretty darn introverted.

  10-19 True:  You are somewhere in the middle. You are both
                       introverted and extroverted.

    1 - 9 True:  You are more extroverted.

I'll explain more about what this means in the next blog,
but I think it would be fun for you to leave me a comment
and let me know your score!

FYI  - I scored 27!

Message from Meredith

 During the opening and closing of every Grey's Anatomy episode, Meredith Grey voices her thoughts on a specific life topic.  I ALWAYS listen very closely because it never fails to stir something inside me.  I always find personal truth in what she says.  It reminds me how much alike we all are.

Meredith Grey (opening):

You know how when you were a little kid, and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be. White dress, Prince Charming, who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes, and you had complete and utter faith.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close, you could taste them. But eventually, you grow up. One day you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people, turn to the things and people they can trust.

But the thing is… it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely. Because almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they’ll open their eyes, and it will all come true.

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.  
My kids believed in them all. 

As a parent, it was so much fun playing along.

The carrots on the roof for the reindeer.
The cookies and milk left out for Santa.
Taking bites out of the cookies and dumping the milk back into the jug after they went to bed.
Taking soot out of the fireplace and putting in on the hearth.
Writing notes from Santa back to the kids with my left hand.
Standing in long lines at the mall to see Santa (not so much fun!)
Buying different wrapping paper for the gifts from Santa.


I always wondered every year if they still "believed".
I would watch their faces and listened to their words, trying to detect clues of doubt.


By 5th grade, I feared Adam would be the butt of jokes at school if he talked about Santa, so I decided it was time to talk to him.


I felt it was important to tell him in a way that would not make him feel stupid.  


Instead of telling him Santa was not real - that it was all a lie - I told him that Santa is the magic of the Christmas season.  
Santa represents the spirit of goodness,
                             the faith,
                             the joy,
                             the generosity,
                                        the hope - 
everything that you really look forward to at Christmas time.
Children need something more concrete to believe in until the time they can understand the real meaning of Santa.

He understood, and he was more than happy to be a part of keeping the secret for his sisters until they were ready to know the real meaning of 
Santa. 

Meredith Grey (closing):

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like, one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed.

The castle… well, it may not be a castle. And, it’s not so important that it’s happy ever after. Just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while… people may even take your breath away. 

Christmas Times

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.   ~Burton Hillis 

 I sent out my Christmas cards yesterday.

Our family card is a BIG deal in this family.
It's a tradition.
We are all involved in choosing a picture.


This year the theme was "Christmas plaid".
It was Kerry's idea that we all wear plaid flannel shirts.
I think it's the best picture to date.


But as I stuff the envelopes and put the stamps on, I always remember the past years, the past pictures.  

1991

1992

1993

1994

1995

1996

1997

1998

1999

2000

2001

2002

2003

2004  (The year the Red Sox won the World Series)

2005

2006

2007

2008

2009

2010

And this year - our Christmas plaid photo.  This is NOT the photo we chose for our card.  It's one of the out-takes.  It's a spoof on the Von Trapps in the Sound of Music when they sang "So long, Farewell" on stage at the festival and the kids popped out from behind the parents!

If you are on our list, your card is in the mail!

I Am FLORed

I'm all about color.
I'm all about clean.
I'm all about simplicity.

I'm CRAZY about FLOR tiles!

What are FLOR tiles?

They are carpeting sold in 20" x 20" square tiles. 
The tiles are sold in a multitude of colors, textures, and patterns.

You simply buy the tiles you want, then stick them together with the sticky dots that are sent with your tiles.

You stick the tiles together, and, voila! 
You have a unique carpet, runner, or area rug.

My top 8 reasons to buy FLOR tiles.

1.  They are reasonably priced.  Most are priced at only $10 - $12 per tile.
2.  They are pretty!
3.  They have a non-slip backing so they stay in place.
4.  They can be cut easily to make a rug of any size, shape, or pattern.
5.  If you get a stain on one square, you can replace it without replacing the whole rug.
6.  If you move or want to change the look of the rug, you can take the tiles apart and put them back together.
7.  They lay very flat so there are no edges to trip on.
8.  There are perfect for nearly any room.


I recently removed the carpeting from my stairs and had the hard wood floor refinished.  I love the look of the wood, but it is very noisy and slippery, especially when the dogs walk up or down the stairs. 

This was the perfect application for FLOR.

It looks great.  It is fun and colorful.  And it was not very expensive at all!  I carpeted the stairs with only 12 tiles!

I also made a rug for the spot in front of my sliding glass doors where the dogs come in all the time.

Check out the FLOR website at www.flor.com

Here are some pictures from the website.

Why Am I Angry?

I had an "AHA" moment this week.

Thanks to Oprah.

While she is not doing her show anymore, she is still on TV.  And she's still trying to make our lives better.

This fall she's been broadcasting Oprah's Lifeclass on her OWN network.

I watched the episode about "Letting Go of Anger" this week.

I just want to share a little of what I learned because I feel it is so helpful to anyone who has ever been angry with a loved one or has had a loved one's anger directed at them.

That would be all of us, don't you think?

In this broadcast, I learned that ANGER is a manifestation of FEAR.

FEAR of what?

1.  Fear of losing love or having your love rejected.
2.  Fear of being powerless or helpless, weak or vulnerable.
3.  Fear of losing control of yourself or others.
4.  Fear of not being seen as valuable or necessary.

YOU ARE SELDOM ANGRY FOR THE REASONS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
Anger is the easy way out so you don't have to deal with the real issue.
Beneath anger is a well of HURT.
Rather than face the underlying hurt and fear, it's easier to be angry.

Now, when you think about ANGER in your life,
whether in the present or in the past,
whether it was your anger or anger directed at you,
look deeper and try to understand what hurt or fear
might have caused the anger.

The next time your spouse, friend, sister, brother, father, or mother are angry at you for reasons that don't make sense to you, look for the underlying reason.

BENEATH  the ANGER is the HURT.
BENEATH  the HURT is the LOVE.

That's why it's hard to be truly angry with a stranger.

To learn more about anger and how/why to let go of anger in your life, please watch this episode of Oprah's Lifeclass.

Maybe you'll have an "AHA" moment too!

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Oprahs-Lifeclass-Webcast-Day-Two-Anger-with-Iyanla-Vanzant-Video