For the first 50 years of my life, my perfectionist self mistakenly believed it was all about knowing more, getting it right, planning, attempting to prevent bad things from happening, and keeping all of my chicks in a row. It took me this long to discover that the JOURNEY is all that matters. This quote from Gilda Radner sums it all up:

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
"


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Confessions of an Introvert (Part 2)

All of my life I have felt flawed.
I remember my grammar school days.  
I would get all "A"s on my report card,
but the comment would say:

Gayle needs to come out of her shell.



I didn't like being the center of attention.
I just wanted to blend in.
Most of my friends were like me.
Except one - Jeanne Morrissey.
She could talk to anyone.
She wasn't afraid to do anything.
Frankly, I could never understand why 
she wanted to be my friend.



I have always loved solitary activities.
Reading, puzzles, knitting, embroidery...
While I love spending time with my close friends,
I have never minded being alone.

I remember spending hours one summer day as a teenager
sitting on the grass in my back yard drawing my foot.
And having a marvelous time!

As a teen growing up in Burlington, Vermont,
I would ride my bike to the lake.
I would sit on the rocks and think, and dream.



In high school, I could probably count on one
hand the number of times I participated in a 
discussion.  
I would feel bad about myself.
Laying in bed at night I could come up with so many
things I could have contributed to the discussion.
I vowed to say them the next day.
I was prepared.
But the next day the teacher was on to another topic.



My focus in college was to change.  To better myself.
Nobody knew me.  I could become a different person.
I needed to fix my one big flaw!
Alcohol helped. 
After a few screwdrivers, heck, I could talk to anyone!



I didn't mind going out on dates.
I enjoyed one on one conversations.
In fact, one on one I am very likeable.
 
After college, I went on to get a job in computer programming.
I was very good at my job.
It required a lot of alone time, reading through
code to understand what the program was trying to
accomplish, writing code to make it do 
what you wanted it to do.
It was a great job for me.  



I met my husband at work.
He was one of those people who could talk to anyone.
 
I remember writing thank you notes after our wedding.
It would take me so long to write each card.
I would agonize over the perfect wording.
Vance would write 10 in the time I wrote one.

When reading something together, I was amazed at how fast
Vance could get through a page.  It took me twice as long.

My husband knows I have a hard time when I'm in a large 
group of people I don't know.  
I don't think he understands.
I think he feels like I don't try hard enough to be social.
It just comes so easy for him.



When I had children, I was determined that they would not 
have to live a life of shame like I did.  I felt that if my 
mother had just pushed me a little harder when I was young, 
I could have gotten over it and been more outgoing.   
Yet as I watched the pain in Adam's eyes when he told me 
he wanted to quit soccer in 4th grade,  I remembered how 
I felt as a child and knew that pushing was the 
wrong thing to do.
 
All my life I have felt I was lacking in social skills that
seemed to come naturally to the rest of the world.
I have pushed myself to be more like everyone else.
At times I feel I've made progress.
At other times I feel it's like trying to put a square peg
in a round hole.


But this book has made a difference.
I finally understand myself.
I finally understand others.
I'm not lacking or flawed.
There's a reason I am the way I am.
And I am not alone.


I'll tell you all about it in Part 3.











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