How is it that some siblings can argue and fight one minute and be best friends the next?
And other siblings just can't get past their differences to find a common ground?
I'm a member of a family that just can't get along, and I'm not proud of it.
Growing up, we never really fought a lot. The first two of my siblings were spaced two years apart, then I was 4 years from my brother, and my sister Lori was 4 years after me.
The first two interacted a lot as children, but given the 4 years between the rest of us there wasn't a lot of "playing together" as children. I was at home alone with mom for 4 years while my brother and older sister were in school and my sister Lori had mom all to herself when I went to school. We weren't in high school or college together. My older sister is 6 years older than me. Other than our time at home, we just didn't interact with each other very much.
So it's really been in the years that we have been adults that we haven't gotten along.
It's not all of us. There is a real bond between the first 2 siblings and the last 2 siblings.
But there is little or no friendship between the two pairs.
They say that sibling rivalry during childhood plays a role in adult sibling relationships, but I think in the case of our family the rivalry BEGAN as we progressed into adulthood and started our families.
Sibling rivalry is a normal aspect of childhood, experts say. Our siblings are our first rivals. They competed with us for the love and attention of the people we needed most, our parents, and it is understandable that we occasionally felt threatened. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry focuses on its effects during childhood.
But our sibling relationships are often the longest of our lives, lasting 80 years or more. Several research studies indicate that up to 45% of adults have a rivalrous or distant relationship with a sibling.
In the case of my family, it seems the rivalry began AFTER we were adults. It makes sense because that was finally a time when we were all at a common place - working, buying our first houses, cars, having children. Even as adults, it seemed that it revolved around competition for the love and attention of our parents.
My younger sister and I had formed a strong bond in the years we were home alone together in high school and college. My brother and older sister had formed a bond in their younger years and also in high school and college, given their closeness in age.
We were never a family that threw our differences out there and had a rip-roaring fight to sort it out. We internalized things and kept all of the pain and hurt inside to keep the peace. If we HAD fought as children, maybe we would have been better equipped to handle differences as adults. We would know our bond was forever - no matter what. We would care enough to make sure our differences didn't drive us apart. We would be each other's cheerleaders. And we would understand that our parents were trying their best to meet the needs of their children, but they were not perfect. It may have seemed that they had chosen favorites, loved unevenly or compared one child with the other.
Our parents have been gone now for over 3 years. I had hopes that all of this nonsense would end.
But it hasn't. I know it made my parents sad in the later years of their lives that they couldn't get all of their children together and have a happy, loving time together.
It saddens me that it continues.
But I've come to accept that it probably will never change.
And other siblings just can't get past their differences to find a common ground?
I'm a member of a family that just can't get along, and I'm not proud of it.
Growing up, we never really fought a lot. The first two of my siblings were spaced two years apart, then I was 4 years from my brother, and my sister Lori was 4 years after me.
The first two interacted a lot as children, but given the 4 years between the rest of us there wasn't a lot of "playing together" as children. I was at home alone with mom for 4 years while my brother and older sister were in school and my sister Lori had mom all to herself when I went to school. We weren't in high school or college together. My older sister is 6 years older than me. Other than our time at home, we just didn't interact with each other very much.
So it's really been in the years that we have been adults that we haven't gotten along.
It's not all of us. There is a real bond between the first 2 siblings and the last 2 siblings.
But there is little or no friendship between the two pairs.
They say that sibling rivalry during childhood plays a role in adult sibling relationships, but I think in the case of our family the rivalry BEGAN as we progressed into adulthood and started our families.
Sibling rivalry is a normal aspect of childhood, experts say. Our siblings are our first rivals. They competed with us for the love and attention of the people we needed most, our parents, and it is understandable that we occasionally felt threatened. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry focuses on its effects during childhood.
But our sibling relationships are often the longest of our lives, lasting 80 years or more. Several research studies indicate that up to 45% of adults have a rivalrous or distant relationship with a sibling.
In the case of my family, it seems the rivalry began AFTER we were adults. It makes sense because that was finally a time when we were all at a common place - working, buying our first houses, cars, having children. Even as adults, it seemed that it revolved around competition for the love and attention of our parents.
My younger sister and I had formed a strong bond in the years we were home alone together in high school and college. My brother and older sister had formed a bond in their younger years and also in high school and college, given their closeness in age.
We were never a family that threw our differences out there and had a rip-roaring fight to sort it out. We internalized things and kept all of the pain and hurt inside to keep the peace. If we HAD fought as children, maybe we would have been better equipped to handle differences as adults. We would know our bond was forever - no matter what. We would care enough to make sure our differences didn't drive us apart. We would be each other's cheerleaders. And we would understand that our parents were trying their best to meet the needs of their children, but they were not perfect. It may have seemed that they had chosen favorites, loved unevenly or compared one child with the other.
Our parents have been gone now for over 3 years. I had hopes that all of this nonsense would end.
But it hasn't. I know it made my parents sad in the later years of their lives that they couldn't get all of their children together and have a happy, loving time together.
It saddens me that it continues.
But I've come to accept that it probably will never change.
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