What About LOVE?

As I was trying to come up with an idea to blog about for Valentine's Day,  I did a lot of "googling" about love and marriage.  Over and over again,  I found websites devoted to the "stages" of long-term committed relationships.  The number of stages varied from website to website, but they were all basically the same.

Of course, all of this reading prompted me to think about my own relationship with my husband and try to determine what "stages" we have been through and where we are in our "journey" together.

Stage 1.  The Romance Stage

Ok, this one is easy.  The photo above is from a blue fleece robe that I made for Vance for our first Valentine's Day together.  We had been dating for almost a year.  I hand-embroidered the message in the neck of the robe and Vance's initials on the front.

Then I made a gigantic Valentine's Day card, complete with my own poetry on the inside.

In Stage 1, it says "you and your partner have just met and everything is absolutely amazing You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other.  The focus of this stage is on COMMONALITIES - you have so many common interests,you could practically be the same person!  You show your partner your absolute best self and you try to  please each other as much as possible."

 "You are happier than you've ever been and you can't imagine ever feeling any differently."

Then comes......

Stage 2. The Disillusionment

"This stage is also known as the Familiarization, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase.  This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!).  You get to know each other more and more and as a result you start to recognize their various flaws and shortcomings.  Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be , but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance phase that you are willing to overlook them."

 

I remember this time well!  We were married and lived in an apartment for less than a year before buying our first house.   The house needed A LOT of work, so our life was not so carefree anymore.  It became obvious while trying to lay our first tile floor in the foyer of our new house that we were very different!

Unfairly, I kind of expected him to be more like my father and just "know" how to do things!

And I'm sure my perfectionism irritated the hell out of Vance!

There were so many other discovered differences too.

But we were united and focused on one thing - we both wanted to start a family.

But the family was not happening.  After an early miscarriage on my first pregnancy,  we did not have a "family" until  8 years after we were married.   We took relaxing trips to white sandy beaches to try to relieve the stress, but we really just wanted a baby!

Stage 3.  The Power Struggle

"At this point, you both still believe that conflict is "bad" thing but you are increasingly aware of your many differences.  This is where it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on earth is to make your life difficult.  Not surprisingly, this is the phase that most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. " 

So now we have built a new house together, with all of the decisions that come along with that.  We finally have a growing family.  No more romantic vacations, and not enough time in the day to do what needs to be done.  After wanting children for so long, we put our hearts and souls into raising them.
I quit working and became a stay-at-home mom.   The multitude of decisions involved with raising our own children caused conflict between us, no doubt about it.  But the family that we yearned for for so many years was SO important to each of us that we were able to sort things out and understand each others differences and needs. 

"However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to ..."

 Stage 4.  The Stability Stage

 "Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is an open acceptance of the differences in the relationship and they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person.  They are catalysts for growth and change.  There is recognition that one person cannot change the other.  This begins the process of struggling to create an honest, genuine, intimate relationship."





Stage 5.  The Real Love Stage
 "Also known as the Acceptance phase,  this is the stage when the couple has a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore...yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person.  You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them.  There are few surprises.  You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction."

We have come a long way together - almost 27 years now.  These years have been so many things - and I wouldn't change any of it!  We have experienced much happiness and many struggles. We have  three children who are beautiful in so many ways.  Life is a journey, and I am so glad I chose Vance to go on that journey with me!

             HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to everyone!

Pictures NOT Taken

Photographs.  Pictures.  Home videos.

We can't have enough.  We treasure them.

If my house was on fire and I had time to save one non-living thing, I would take my pictures.  They are irreplaceable.

                               We take pictures of happy times.

 We take pictures of out pets.

We take pictures of special occasions.

         We take pictures with those we hold most dear.

              Sometimes, pictures BECOME our memories.
I think I remember this coat and hat and the tulip dress that I wore in these pictures, but I'm sure it's only because I have seen them in the photographs.

All of these pictures have one thing in common - they are pictures of HAPPY times.

We don't take cameras to funerals, for instance. 
We don't take pictures of our loved ones in times of pain or sorrow.
We don't take pictures of family and friends when they are down. 

We don't take pictures of things we don't want to remember.

 I have a ton of pictures of my parents like this... smiling and happy.

 I also have pictures of them that I didn't take.

These pictures are more vivid to me than any printed photograph...
            They exist only in my mind's eye.

If you have ever lost a loved one or witnessed someone dear to you suffer,
            you surely know what I mean.

The pictures NOT taken are the most unforgettable.


           
        

Sweet 16 Today!

At 1:43 AM today,  Annie turned 16 years old!  WOW!  It seems like she was just born yesterday, but it has been 16 YEARS!  If she had been a boy, she would have been named Matthew.   If it had been my decision alone, she would have been named Olivia.  Now I can't picture her as anything but "Annie".

Right from day1, she was loved by her big brother and big sister.

They treated her as a playmate. No matter how little, she was always a part of the action!

                       She smiled early and often!
            Adam and Kerry could always get her to giggle.

Annie was a beautiful, sweet, happy baby.  This was the day of her baptism.

                             She had nice dark hair and dark eyes....

 

I don't think she ever thought of herself as little.  She was just one of the kids.

She loved her bunny "Bun-Bun" almost as much as she loved to suck her thumb.

         She took after Kerry - she loved to ham it up for pictures!
         This was taken on top of the World Trade Center.

Annie was always a "girly" girl and very concious of fashion.

She probably didn't realize it at the time, but her life is was about to change.  On this day, Adam and Kerry were both going off to school and she would be home alone with me all day.   It's funny that this year she saw Adam and Kerry both leave for college and she is home alone again.

Here Annie sits with her cousin, Hali, when we visited Alaska.

 

Annie used to love to fish with her dad, and she won trophies at many fishing derbies.

Her 8th birthday was held at Vernon Lanes.  She is pictured here with Shannon.

 

Burlington is one of Annie's favorite places.   Here she is on the shore of Lake Champlain.

                One of her biggest forms of entertainment
                 is terrorizing "Mr. Wiggles"!

                    Annie used to want to be a ballerina...

                       ..... until she discovered music!

Annie has been a joy to her Dad and I since the day she was born.  She has a very optimistic view of life and is very warm-hearted, outgoing and friendly.   When the chips are down,  she is able to persevere.   Her confidence in herself has always amazed us.   We are so proud of her accomplishments in school, music, sports, and life!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNIE!  We love you!

An Unusual Photo Shoot

I LOVE taking pictures.  I especially love taking pictures of people.  Photography is an art, and portraiture is the art of bringing out the beauty in your subject.  There are many technical aspects of  portraiture that can help make someone look better - the lens you use to take the photo, the lighting, the position of the lighting, etc...    For instance, I took some pictures of my daughter, Annie, last week in the snow.  The snow acted like a reflector, bouncing beautiful light up onto her face to balance out the sunlight from above.

Today I had a photo shoot with a very unusual subject.


She wasn't a typical girl.


She was not having a very good day,  in fact it was one of her worst.


This inspired me to do a really good job today.


I really wanted to make her look beautiful!


She was VERY cooperative and didn't fidget or complain when I asked her to pose a certain way.


I am very pleased to say that I was able to bring out her INNER BEAUTY!


HERE


SHE


IS......

 

She was kind of shy with a smile reminiscent of Mona Lisa.

                                        She was playful!

                                      She was fashionable.

                                       And she was really cute!

 

         She did not complain about posing with different props...

                    Sami loved the smell of her perfume.

                         
                     Halle had other things in mind!


Oh,  I forgot to mention one little thing......



She was dead.


After getting home from church today,  I looked out the kitchen window into the yard and saw Halle carrying around a stuffed animal.  She has a stuffed squirrel with a squeaky thing in its tale.  But I hadn't seen it around in a while.  Where did she find it?


It donned on Vance, Adam, and me at about the same time.  That was no stuffed animal!  We ran outside to take a look.  It was a squirrel who had met its master on this beautiful winter day.  How?  Did she fall from a tree as she ran across its branches, taunting Halle.  Did Halle finally catch a squirrel?  It didn't seem to have any obvious trauma.  Was it a stroke or a heart attack?

I felt bad for her, and really wanted to memorialize this fine creature in the way I know best -

                                                PORTRAITURE!

When all was done,  we said a fond good-bye!   But this is not how we will remember her!

                       THIS IS MUCH BETTER!

The House that Built Me

One of my favorite songs on the radio right now is Miranda Lambert's "The House that Built Me".
It chokes me up EVERY time I hear it because it reminds me of my childhood, and I wish the car radio would have a "replay" button so I could listen to it again. 

Watch it in full screen mode - it is a beautiful video!




My family moved into our house when I was 4 years old (1963).
My parents lived there until they passed away in 2009.

THIS is the house that built ME!

It is located at 396 South Winooski Avenue in Burlington, Vermont.  To anyone else, there wouldn't be anything special about this house.  To me, it is like a giant time capsule containing memories from all of the stages of my life.

This is a picture of me when I was 4 years old.  We moved into the house before my sister Lori was born.  This picture was taken on the day of her baptism.  I was sitting in a wrought iron chair made by my father.

Here I am the following year in our back yard.  My mom used to make "pin curls" in my hair by twisting little sections and pinning them to my head with bobby pins until my hair dried.  It looks like she forgot to do the bangs that day!

This was my 5th birthday party.  Actually, it was my only birthday party.  This was the only big party with lots of invited guests, that is.  We usually celebrated birthdays with only my immediate family.
My older sister, Kathy, is holding my younger sister, Lori behind me.  My brother, Paul, is standing next to them.  I think my cousin Mary is to my right and my cousin Diane is to my left.  The others are neighbors.

We used to have an old claw-footed bathtub which was my job to clean.  I remember this red bathing suit well.  And I kept my long hair in braids.

I was in high school when this picture was taken.  I was writing my first high school term paper.  I was wearing my long johns with a sweater, mismatched ski socks, and a scarf on my head, probably because my hair wasn't washed.  This was on my bed in the bedroom I shared with my two sisters.  Is that a corsage pinned to my sweater??  I really can't remember.

This was taken in our living room before Christmas with Jim McCormick, my date to the Snow Ball.
Nobody went out and bought expensive fancy dresses back then.  I was wearing a long plaid skirt and a black top - both belonged to my mother!  Notice the Dorothy Hamill haircut!

Here I am sitting with my cat, Diddles (or Mr. Deets) when I was in college.  I remember wearing this rag wool sweater a lot!

When I moved away to Connecticut after college, I would go home often.  I proudly brought my future husband there, my own children, and my dogs.   I can honestly say that every time I turned the corner onto my street, my heart would beat faster in anticipation of going "home".

We sold the house after my parents passed away.  The new owners renovated it A LOT.  Last summer when my sister Lori was visiting from Alaska, the new owner was nice enough to invited us in and give us a tour of the house after the renovations.  Nothing much remains the same on the inside - it was gutted and totally redone. The outside is a different color and has also been changed.  We walked through it much like Miranda Lambert in the music video.  It was beautiful.

But in my mind, I was seeing the house as it was before.  And I could still feel the love that had been there for my lifetime.  I still felt like I was "home" and boy, was it a good feeling!