All of my life I have felt flawed.
I remember my grammar school days.
I would get all "A"s on my report card,
but the comment would say:
Gayle needs to come out of her shell.
I didn't like being the center of attention.
I just wanted to blend in.
Most of my friends were like me.
Except one - Jeanne Morrissey.
She could talk to anyone.
She wasn't afraid to do anything.
Frankly, I could never understand why
she wanted to be my friend.
I have always loved solitary activities.
Reading, puzzles, knitting, embroidery...
While I love spending time with my close friends,
I have never minded being alone.
I remember spending hours one summer day as a teenager
sitting on the grass in my back yard drawing my foot.
And having a marvelous time!
As a teen growing up in Burlington, Vermont,
I would ride my bike to the lake.
I would sit on the rocks and think, and dream.
In high school, I could probably count on one
hand the number of times I participated in a
discussion.
I would feel bad about myself.
Laying in bed at night I could come up with so many
things I could have contributed to the discussion.
I vowed to say them the next day.
I was prepared.
But the next day the teacher was on to another topic.
My focus in college was to change. To better myself.
Nobody knew me. I could become a different person.
I needed to fix my one big flaw!
Alcohol helped.
After a few screwdrivers, heck, I could talk to anyone!
I didn't mind going out on dates.
I enjoyed one on one conversations.
In fact, one on one I am very likeable.
After college, I went on to get a job in computer programming.
I was very good at my job.
It required a lot of alone time, reading through
code to understand what the program was trying to
accomplish, writing code to make it do
what you wanted it to do.
It was a great job for me.
I met my husband at work.
He was one of those people who could talk to anyone.
I remember writing thank you notes after our wedding.
It would take me so long to write each card.
I would agonize over the perfect wording.
Vance would write 10 in the time I wrote one.
When reading something together, I was amazed at how fast
Vance could get through a page. It took me twice as long.
My husband knows I have a hard time when I'm in a large
group of people I don't know.
I don't think he understands.
I think he feels like I don't try hard enough to be social.
It just comes so easy for him.
When I had children, I was determined that they would not
have to live a life of shame like I did. I felt that if my
mother had just pushed me a little harder when I was young,
I could have gotten over it and been more outgoing.
Yet as I watched the pain in Adam's eyes when he told me
he wanted to quit soccer in 4th grade, I remembered how
I felt as a child and knew that pushing was the
wrong thing to do.
seemed to come naturally to the rest of the world.
I have pushed myself to be more like everyone else.
At times I feel I've made progress.
At other times I feel it's like trying to put a square peg
in a round hole.
But this book has made a difference.
I finally understand myself.
I finally understand others.
I'm not lacking or flawed.
There's a reason I am the way I am.
And I am not alone.
I'll tell you all about it in Part 3.
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