We all feel fortunate when we have them, but often we agonize over them. I find it's especially difficult to make choices when it affects the direction of my life.
I've been grappling with life choices over the last few months. I realize I am so fortunate to even have these choices at all. Nonetheless, I'm torn.
After a successful career as a computer analyst, my husband and I decided that it would be best for our family if I left my job to stay at home to raise our children. I was 35 years old at the time. I've never regretted that decision.
I will be 55 years old in May. My youngest is in college now. For the past three years, I have built a photography business from scratch. For the last two years, I've had to turn people away because I've been so busy. That's great, right?
That's where I'm torn. I don't really know.
I've felt a great sense of accomplishment. I love taking pictures and having a creative outlet. After 20 years, it's nice to make my own money once again, even if it isn't much compared to my earnings in the past. I look at my work and I am so proud of myself! I created these beautiful portraits! Also, for some reason, it was important to me that my children see me as an intelligent, talented woman and not just a mom.
There are also frustrations:
1) The busy time of year for outdoor Senior portrait photography is when the weather is the nicest: July - December. I've substituted time working in my garden for time working on the computer - long, bleary-eyed hours.
2) The best light of the day for shooting flattering portraits outdoors is in the evening. This is also when I want to be spending time with my husband and family.
3) I didn't foresee the huge amount of time spent just running a business. Besides the photo shoots and editing work, sooo much time is spent answering emails, making phone calls, checking the weather forecast for rain/wind, meeting with clients to order pictures, placing the orders online, packaging orders when they arrive, submitting Senior photos to the yearbook, filing taxes, record keeping...
For the past twenty years, I never questioned my role in my family. My husband was the bread-winner and I was the care-giver. I knew I was contributing equally.
Now that my kids aren't living at home much of the year, I feel like I'm a slacker if I don't do MORE than care-giving. My husband is in no way making me feel this way. It's just me and my pride.
What are my hopes?
My hopes are to be able to continue to put my family first. My hopes are to take care for my children, husband, and pets in ways that will ease their burdens and keep our family close. My hopes are also to pursue my passion and use my talents.
Perhaps there is a 3rd choice that would better fit my life.
Perhaps I can use my photography skills in a different way.
I think I know which choice is best one day, and then I question it the next.
I think writing this has helped.
Maybe I'll make a decision - tomorrow!
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