What About LOVE?

As I was trying to come up with an idea to blog about for Valentine's Day,  I did a lot of "googling" about love and marriage.  Over and over again,  I found websites devoted to the "stages" of long-term committed relationships.  The number of stages varied from website to website, but they were all basically the same.

Of course, all of this reading prompted me to think about my own relationship with my husband and try to determine what "stages" we have been through and where we are in our "journey" together.

Stage 1.  The Romance Stage

Ok, this one is easy.  The photo above is from a blue fleece robe that I made for Vance for our first Valentine's Day together.  We had been dating for almost a year.  I hand-embroidered the message in the neck of the robe and Vance's initials on the front.

Then I made a gigantic Valentine's Day card, complete with my own poetry on the inside.

In Stage 1, it says "you and your partner have just met and everything is absolutely amazing You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other.  The focus of this stage is on COMMONALITIES - you have so many common interests,you could practically be the same person!  You show your partner your absolute best self and you try to  please each other as much as possible."

 "You are happier than you've ever been and you can't imagine ever feeling any differently."

Then comes......

Stage 2. The Disillusionment

"This stage is also known as the Familiarization, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase.  This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!).  You get to know each other more and more and as a result you start to recognize their various flaws and shortcomings.  Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be , but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance phase that you are willing to overlook them."

 

I remember this time well!  We were married and lived in an apartment for less than a year before buying our first house.   The house needed A LOT of work, so our life was not so carefree anymore.  It became obvious while trying to lay our first tile floor in the foyer of our new house that we were very different!

Unfairly, I kind of expected him to be more like my father and just "know" how to do things!

And I'm sure my perfectionism irritated the hell out of Vance!

There were so many other discovered differences too.

But we were united and focused on one thing - we both wanted to start a family.

But the family was not happening.  After an early miscarriage on my first pregnancy,  we did not have a "family" until  8 years after we were married.   We took relaxing trips to white sandy beaches to try to relieve the stress, but we really just wanted a baby!

Stage 3.  The Power Struggle

"At this point, you both still believe that conflict is "bad" thing but you are increasingly aware of your many differences.  This is where it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on earth is to make your life difficult.  Not surprisingly, this is the phase that most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. " 

So now we have built a new house together, with all of the decisions that come along with that.  We finally have a growing family.  No more romantic vacations, and not enough time in the day to do what needs to be done.  After wanting children for so long, we put our hearts and souls into raising them.
I quit working and became a stay-at-home mom.   The multitude of decisions involved with raising our own children caused conflict between us, no doubt about it.  But the family that we yearned for for so many years was SO important to each of us that we were able to sort things out and understand each others differences and needs. 

"However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to ..."

 Stage 4.  The Stability Stage

 "Knowing all that they know, coming from reality and not fantasy, there is an open acceptance of the differences in the relationship and they are used as opportunities for learning about oneself and the other person.  They are catalysts for growth and change.  There is recognition that one person cannot change the other.  This begins the process of struggling to create an honest, genuine, intimate relationship."





Stage 5.  The Real Love Stage
 "Also known as the Acceptance phase,  this is the stage when the couple has a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore...yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person.  You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them.  There are few surprises.  You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction."

We have come a long way together - almost 27 years now.  These years have been so many things - and I wouldn't change any of it!  We have experienced much happiness and many struggles. We have  three children who are beautiful in so many ways.  Life is a journey, and I am so glad I chose Vance to go on that journey with me!

             HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to everyone!