I Knew It All Along

I have so many wonderful memories of being a mom when my children were young.   Without a doubt, some of the most enjoyable times were spent reading books to them.

There were so many really great reads that are well-known:  

Goodnight, Moon

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Corduroy

Love You, Forever

Even though these books were written for children,  their messages are meaningful to adults too.  One of my all time favorites is a book you've probably never heard of.  It's not even being printed anymore.  

I found our copy inside Annie's special box - a large rubbermaid container that I gave to each of my children to save their favorite things as they outgrew them.

The very first page set the scene.  "Wally Raccoon looked worried."

Wally's mother had always walked him to school, but he was at an age where many other kids his age were already walking to school on their own.  His mother was trying to convince Wally that he could walk to school by himself too.  He was big enough.  He was ready.

But Wally was afraid.  Wally's imagination ran wild as he worried about all of the bad things that could happen on his way to school by himself.

Maybe he would get lost.

What if the bridge breaks when he walks over it and there are sharks in the water?

What if he sees a mushroom in the woods and eats it, and it makes him sick?

What if he stops to look at a rainbow and he's late for school?

What if he doesn't look where he's going and falls in a giant hole and can't get out?

His mother did all she could to reassure Wally that he would not get lost, the bridge was strong, he wouldn't eat any mushrooms, etc.  The next day, Wally successfully walked to school and walked home alone.   When he saw his mother waiting for him, he was so excited and proud,  and he announced that he wanted to walk alone every single day!

Now it was Wally's mom turn to worry.  She was worried he didn't need her anymore.

I LOVED THE MESSAGE IN THIS BOOK!

Isn't this true, all through life, when we face new experiences that we are unsure of?

 Our imaginations create all kinds of scary "what if" situations. 

These crazy fears can stand in the way of our growth if we let them.

As we mature,  

we don't need Mother Raccoon to tell us that our fears are unwarranted.  

We are "big enough" to realize it ourselves. 

And as we experience more of life, we become more confident in ourselves.

When we look back, we say to ourselves:

"I knew I could do it.  I knew it all along".

Twenty-Three Years Old

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands."  

~ Anne Frank

Adam completed his 23rd year yesterday.  I found this birthday wish on Instagram to day.  It was from his sister, Annie.

I agree so much with what she said.

Adam really is the best human being I know too.

 My father used to hold that position, but the torch has been passed...

He always treats his sisters with kindness and respect. 

 When I'm around Adam, I feel inspired to be a better person.  

 He is a thoughtful, compassionate friend, and cares deeply about others.  

 He sees the beauty in the world around him and appreciates all that God has given us.

He actively looks for ways to help others in any way he can, and generously gives of his time.

He loves not only people, but animals too.

I often think how it must be hard to be Adam, though.

I wish he would put himself first sometimes. I know from being a mom that serving others can be exhausting.

It also feels good to let yourself get angry.  You can't keep everything inside.

And try as hard as you want, you can't make everyone happy.

These are lessons learned as you go through life.

"Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like.  More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people."
~Dennis Prager

Adam's friends surprised him with a 23rd birthday party last night.
They made Vermont grilled cheese sandwiches (using Vermont cheddar cheese drizzled with maple syrup inside!)

I hope you had a wonderful birthday, Adam!
You are loved.

Perfectly Imperfect

For all of the ways that I'm a perfectionist, in MANY ways I'm not.

I make mistakes ALL the time.

It used to bother me a lot.  After forgetting to do something or doing something incorrectly, I would beat myself up about it, silently asking myself "how could I have done that?".  "What was I thinking?". When I think back, it was crazy to put pressure on myself to attempt to do the impossible - to be perfect.  

One good thing that comes with age is perspective.  I'm much gentler on myself now.  I truly get it.  I am not, and never will be, perfect in any way.  Time has made me understand that making mistakes has taught me so much over the years and made me a better, more confident person. And I don't often make the same mistake twice, but I won't say never. 

What's really tough is having a husband who is almost machine-like with regards to memory and keeping on task.  

Today we were making another 5 hour drive between Rochester and home.  Vance usually does the driving on trips when we're together, but he was tired today and asked me to take over driving midway through the trip.

I took over the wheel while Vance reclined in the back seat for a nap.  I found a really interesting Oprah show on XM radio.  The discussion, ironically, was about how everyone has areas where they are gifted and areas where they struggle. It's a beautiful thing how the people in your life, each with their own strengths and weakness, tend to pick up the slack for each other.  We learn much from others who are gifted in different ways than us.  People who work harmoniously together tend to complement each other in this way.  I was very absorbed in the show.

I had been driving for about 1/2 hour, lost in thought (which is a nicer way of saying I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going), when I remembered a while back that the exit to the Mass Pike was only 4 miles away. That was, well, a long time ago!  The GPS was on mute, but checking it I saw our estimated arrival time was an hour later than when I began driving! This was not good!

Glancing in the rear view mirror, I saw that Vance was still fast asleep.  The GPS showed the only way to get home was to get off the highway and go back to the exit I missed.  I knew Vance would wake up if the car slowed down, but I had no choice.  He woke up slightly confused, and I readily admitted my error.  His calculator-style mind quickly did the math.   I had driven 30 minutes out of my way, and had to drive another 30 minutes to get back to the exit I missed.  I had been driving for only 75 minutes in total.  So, in effect, I had advanced us only 15 minutes toward home in that time!

Vance took over driving and we were getting off the exit I had missed and were making progress toward home once again.

The good thing is - I didn't obsess about my driving failure.  It was done.  We were back on track.  I KNOW I will never miss that exit again. We made it home safely.

The other good thing is - Vance didn't obsess about my mistake.  The years have also taught him that perfection is not possible in himself or others, especially me.

After 30 years of marriage (our 30th wedding anniversary is tomorrow, the 14th), we understand, accept, and value each other's strengths and weaknesses.  Life is a team effort.  We are better together than we ever could be alone!

Ca - ma - ra - de - rie

One year ago, Annie was in her last semester of high school at the start of her last season of track.  She joined the track team sophomore year and instantly fell in love.  She loved the team atmosphere of track.

Track was the one sport where the focus was on individual improvement. Each runner would try to get a PR (personal record).  While a few were just naturally talented runners,  most had to train hard to reach their goals.  At track meets, the point was not to win your event, but rather to better your own time for that event.  Yet each runner's performance contributes to the success of the team.

Coach Flamino set the tone for the team.  During practices, he worked with the runners to fine-tune their technique, set goals, and prepare them mentally and physically for upcoming meets.  At the meets, his job was merely to be there for moral support and cheer the runners on.

The coach also set the expectations for the teams.  He stressed the importance of the runners to support all team members.  When your race is done,  it was expected that you cheer on other members in their events.

They would celebrate each other's PRs and cheer on even the last stragglers of each event, no matter what school they were running for.

Whether before...

or after a meet...

spirit ran high and the emphasis was on "team".

One year later, Annie is no longer running track, but she undoubtedly is part of a strong "team".

Last weekend, Vance and I had the pleasure of attending two performances at the Eastman School of Music.  The first was a  fabulous recital by her saxophone quartet, named Astutia.  The second was an amazing concert by the entire saxophone studio, named ESP (Eastman Saxophone Project).

Musical performance is very similar to running an event in track.  Each musician strives to improve their skills individually.  They spend many hours alone in practice rooms as they strive to better their skills and meet their individual goals.  But, in the end, all of their individual effort contributes to the success of the entire saxophone studio.

In the saxophone studio, their "coach" is Professor Chien-Kwan Lin.  He works with the students individually and as a group, helping the students set and meet their goals, and setting the tone for a real "team" atmosphere.  All of his saxophone students are expected to support each other and cheer each other on by attending all performances of their "teammates".  Chien-Kwan does the same, and is always there for congratulations and a hug for each of his students after a recital or concert. 

The result is truly an atmosphere of camaraderie.

 _____________________________________________________

ca·ma·ra·de·rie

ˌkäm(ə)ˈrädərē,

noun

1. mutual trust and friendship among people who spend a lot of time together.

"a genuine camaraderie on the hockey team"

synonyms:  friendship, comradeship, fellowship, companionship,

fraternity, conviviality, mutual support, team spirit,

esprit de corps; informal bromance

   

______________________________________________________

It makes me happy (and relieved in a way) to know that Annie is in a place where she can grow as a musician and as a person with people who will help her through the rough spots and celebrate her accomplishments - and that she will be able to do the same for her fellow                                       "teammates".

Here are some more pictures from this weekend!

And one last picture.

  

Since I'm comparing track to music,  I have to show you a comparison of "the face" that Annie makes for the camera, one taken during track and one taken after her quartet recital.

The music face is a bit more elegant, but it's still the same Annie!

The "Botton" Line

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately.  I wrote last week about decisions I am trying to make about the course of my life from this point on.  (click here to read)  Whenever I have a decision to make, whether it's choosing a cooktop for my kitchen, a book for my reading list, or what to do with the rest of my life  - I do a lot of research.  This week, I stumbled upon a TED talk by Alain de Botton called "A Kinder, Gentler Philosophy of Success".  I really liked it.  So I googled his name and discovered that he is a French philosopher.  I didn't even realize being a philosopher was a career possibility in this day and age.  I always envision them being ancient and mostly Greek.  Anyways, I downloaded one of his books, "Status Anxiety" because I suspected this was the reason for my difficulty making a decision about the course of my life.

"Status anxiety", he explains, is "the feeling that we might, under different circumstances, be something other than what we are - a feeling inspired by exposure to the superior achievements of those whom we take to be our equals - that generates anxiety..."

Who are my "equals"?  Other mothers in my age group.

When my children were young, I knew many moms who had left their jobs to be stay-at-home moms.  Now, however, most/all moms that I know with children in college are back in the workforce, contributing financially to the household.

We are also surrounded by what Botton calls "snobs".  He defines a snob as "anybody who takes a small part of you and uses that to come to a complete picture of who you are".  Your answer to their question "What do you do?" defines your entire worth to them.

What does it mean to be "successful" in the world today?  Many would say someone is successful if they make a lot of money, are renown in some field, or have acquired a lot of material things.

Botton stresses that "our goals should dictate what we interpret as a triumph and what must count as a catastrophe".  Being truly wealthy doesn't require you to have many things.  Rather, it requires having what you long for.

When I left the workforce, my husband and I made this decision together.  We are a team.  His major role was to be the bread-winner.  My major role was to be the care-giver.  We feel it's important in our family to have someone who is not tied down by business, deadlines, and schedules to be able to respond to all of the little things (and big) that life throws at us.

What are my goals?   

My goals don't involve money, renown, or material things.  I have everything I want.

My goals are:

- do all I can to create a close, loving family

- teach, support and comfort my children as they face new challenges in their lives

- make our home a warm and welcoming place to be

- continue to have my own passions, both intellectually and creatively, to fill the gap that naturally comes when children grow up and begin to lead their own lives.

 In his TED talk, Botton emphasized that in any vision of success, you can't be successful at everything.  You can't have it all.  There has to be an element of loss.

This element of loss is exactly what I was feeling over the last few years as I was establishing a photography business.  

In order to do one really well, the other suffered. 

As of this moment,  I am officially putting this issue to rest.  

I will not continue my Senior photography business as I have for the past two years.   I will take jobs on a limited basis as they fit into my life if I want to.  

I love photography and feel that there is something else I was meant to do with my skills.  I just don't know what that something is - yet.

But I don't need to know that now.

I am at peace.

I am enough.

Birthday Wishes!

I woke up this morning with anticipation for an exciting day ahead of me!  A flight to Nashville with my daughter, Kerry, and a fun day exploring a place I've never visited.  Kerry has a job interview tomorrow morning and I decided to go with her for moral support (and enjoyment too).

As I was getting ready this morning, I smelled a familiar scent.  I recognized it immediately, without wondering even for a millisecond its origin.  Due to my apprehension about flying, I thought for a second it could be an omen or warning of some sort.    But I was in a hurry to get to the airport and refused to indulge my paranoia any further.

I was meeting up with Kerry in Philadelphia to continue on the same flight into Nashville.  My first flight was smooth and easy.  Once I'm actually in the air, my fears seem to go away.  After we began the descent into Philly, I put away my book and closed my eyes.  It was then that I noticed the same scent as earlier.  Hmmmm.  I paid more attention to it this time. I breathed it in,  a warm, comfortable feeling enveloping me.  I didn't know why it was happening, but I knew it had nothing to do with any kind of omen.  There was also a feeling of warmth on my left shoulder.

The plane landed and I turned my cell phone back on. In the next second, it buzzed.  Kerry was calling me.  As I looked at my phone to answer her call, I noticed the date.  March 23.  NOW I understood! 

Today is my dad's birthday!

He's been gone almost 5 years.  

His scent is a mixture of his after-shave and his sweat - at least that's what I think.  It's unmistakeable. And unforgettable.

Maybe, while you're here, Dad, you can share some of your never-ending confidence and support with Kerry!  And Lori. And Adam, Annie, Mikey, Emily and Hali.  You are needed and you are missed!

Happy birthday, Dad!  I love you!  

On this day when we should be honoring YOU with presents, you have given me the greatest gift of all!

Choices

Choices are funny things.  

We all feel fortunate when we have them, but often we agonize over them.  I find it's especially difficult to make choices when it affects the direction of my life.

I've been grappling with life choices over the last few months.  I realize I am so fortunate to even have these choices at all.  Nonetheless, I'm torn.

After a successful career as a computer analyst,  my husband and I decided that it would be best for our family if I left my job to stay at home to raise our children. I was 35 years old at the time.  I've never regretted that decision. 

I will be 55 years old in May.  My youngest is in college now.  For the past three years, I have built a photography business from scratch.  For the last two years, I've had to turn people away because I've been so busy.  That's great, right?

That's where I'm torn.  I don't really know.

I've felt a great sense of accomplishment.  I love taking pictures and having a creative outlet.  After 20 years, it's nice to make my own money once again, even if it isn't much compared to my earnings in the past.  I look at my work and I am so proud of myself!  I created these beautiful portraits!  Also, for some reason, it was important to me that my children see me as an intelligent, talented woman and not just a mom.

There are also frustrations:
  
1) The busy time of year for outdoor Senior portrait photography is when the weather is the nicest: July - December.  I've substituted time working in my garden for time working on the computer - long, bleary-eyed hours.  

2) The best light of the day for shooting flattering portraits outdoors is in the evening.  This is also when I want to be spending time with my husband and family. 

3) I didn't foresee the huge amount of time spent just running a business.  Besides the photo shoots and editing work,  sooo much time is spent answering emails, making phone calls, checking the weather forecast for rain/wind, meeting with clients to order pictures, placing the orders online, packaging orders when they arrive, submitting Senior photos to the yearbook, filing taxes, record keeping...

For the past twenty years, I never questioned my role in my family.  My husband was the bread-winner and I was the care-giver.  I knew I was contributing equally.

Now that my kids aren't living at home much of the year,  I feel like I'm a slacker if I don't do MORE than care-giving.  My husband is in no way making me feel this way.  It's just me and my pride.

What are my hopes? 

My hopes are to be able to continue to put my family first.  My hopes are to take care for my children, husband, and pets in ways that will ease their burdens and keep our family close.   My hopes are also to pursue my passion and use my talents.

Perhaps there is a 3rd choice that would better fit my life.

Perhaps I can use my photography skills in a different way.

I think I know which choice is best one day, and then I question it the next.

I think writing this has helped.

Maybe I'll make a decision - tomorrow!